It’s no secret I’m in the middle of a profound healing journey. I call it profound because it better fucking be. I keep waiting for the day I wake up healed. Gold star, complete, a finished product. A friend reminded me: that day never comes. You don’t get to be “done.” You just get to keep going. I hate that.
Like a lot of people in 2025, I’m addicted to inspo porn. The quotes. The videos. The coaches with ring lights telling me I can manifest six figures by Tuesday if I just buy the course. The one-liners that land in your body like gospel. My recent favorite: Alex Hormozi, “The single greatest skill you can develop is the ability to stay in a great mood in the absence of things to be in a great mood about.”
I save these lines like prescriptions. Dopamine disguised as wisdom. One for heartbreak, one for business, one for when I hate myself. I could recite The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success in my sleep, yet I still can’t fully cut off a guy who doesn’t have the ability to hold my heart. I’ve listened to Joe Dispenza on 2x speed while walking in circles around my apartment like it was cardio for the soul. I can believe in infinite abundance on Instagram, but in real life I’m scared to return a glass of wine I don’t like.
And I know I’m not the only one. I see the numbers. Millions of us saving, sharing, scrolling like we’re building some kind of ark out of other people’s sentences. But how many of us are actually healed?
I meditate. I read (audiobook). I walk twelve thousand steps a day. I’ve tried so hard my therapist finally said, “Maybe you should try less.” Which felt insane, because trying too hard is my best personality trait. It’s how I’ve survived everything: forcing it. Dragging things across the finish line. And now I’m trying to drag healing. Like if I effort enough, peace will just happen.
So I guess now I need to sit and relax with peace and acceptance and where I am. I’ve got all the info locked in my brain. This next phase is just existing. Not being in survival mode. Lately, I don’t know if I can read another quote. I know that nothing online can save me. But sometimes it makes me feel like it can.
I have changed. I’m calmer. I see things differently. But still, I wonder: after reading all these quotes, will I actually be able to put them into practice?
The truth is, I’m scared. Scared that the same things I’m healing from will follow me like a dark cloud I can’t escape. There's safety in staying inside the quotes. Following the Instagram accounts. Reposting the podcast clips. Knowing I’m better on the inside without testing it on the outside.
At some point though, you have to interact. You have to risk it. I mean I do want to get married someday.
So I go outside, have one awkward interaction with another human, and immediately think: maybe I’m not ready to exist quite yet. Maybe I should just go back online and save a few more quotes.
This really hit home for me.
Which felt insane, because trying too hard is my best personality trait. - I feel seen